mynameisjeffy

Fight on soldiers.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:12:49 GMT

There once was a story of a few good soldiers. These soldiers were the most loyal of all, living and fighting on the battlefield with their brethren but due to their friendship and loyalty they always made it through. But this was a tough time, a time where the young and naive were shipped out to fight battles never heard of to earlier generations. These soldiers made it through all the tests and hardships , always helping each other out. Though they started with a set group, some left and some joined. These soldiers weren't the best, they were mostly average, some amazing at certain talents, while others proven to be almost worthless with most common abilities. These soldiers were strong due to their friendship, until that one fateful day......On this day one was taken , one which helped keep the peace and solve dilemmas which could never be handled. The one who tried the hardest to never show bias and to always stay strong even when times got tough....he was the one who was taken to another fight far away, far from his fellow compatriots. Yet even so, he was taken at a time of immense battle, for the forces of evil swell up right as the storm begins to wane. The bonds were broken, many shattered beyond repair as real truths were told. And yet, the one taken away still holds his loyalty. But to this day he can never comprehend that which has changed....For war rends and tears everything in its path, and if he ever may return to that same battlefield...next time he may face that which he used to fight to protect. But as time goes on there will always be a renewal, and everything will start over just as it began those fateful years ago. There once was a story of a few good soldiers..And there will be many more to come. But no matter what happens, hold on to your bonds good soldiers, fight on, for war may strike again, and when those battles may arise you can do as you did before, making new brothers, even though your very brother, may be the person who puts the nail in your coffin. Fight On Soldiers. For war is like life, Its always darkest before the dawn, and at the dawn is the genesis of life, and the beginning of new stories to be forged. And when time comes and goes...They all will say....There once was a story of a few good soldiers.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:30:33 GMT

You can tell you reach the brink of insanity when you realize life is a game everyone will lose. You reach the end, the final straw, the tipping point. Who are we to say we can play this game called life with arrogance unprecedented and most confusing to the masses. What is our name? Who or what shall we be called or called upon. I shall say this, to any man who may tell me what the truth is, I shall tell them their lies. For every lie is a truth as well, A true thought thought from another, and for every truth there is a slight lie, the false lie of hope and perfection. This land of dirt , all of the achievements that are accomplished are still made of dirt and false. All achievements are null and void for dirt is always and always will be dirt. No matter what is accomplished, we can never change what the absolute facts are. We can never change what we are. We are dirt, we are the ashes of a foundation that was once planned to be formed. We are a failure byproduct of a plan that has been in the making since the beginning of time, and how arrogant can we be to think one life can ever make a difference. For from the beggining to the end, we , and everything other than us as well, it all is dirt. These words, they are words that come from my mind that i felt a dire need to write, to express if you will. Unlike some people, I dont always have a plan on what to write, I hardly ever even think. These words are forming upon the second my fingers move, every stroke of a key is unplanned, and for some this sounds quite impossible, for some this sounds rediculous, but really, what you think doesnt matter for these words wont change the facts of life. Actions forms action, and some things cannot be reached by any action, causing them to be in constant rest, constant inaction. Who Am i to talk, these words are random, In fact even i right now , I am looking at my window to my left hand side, Im barely paying attention, it just happens that for me i have a weird nack for having pent up words , mix that with the skill of typing without looking and you get this. Odd, I thought i saw a spider web. ANYWAY. These words are empty and without meaning, they have no action or no action inside of them. But dirt is dirt, and all shall fade into nothing. Even these words. For all shall come to pass in their own time, leaving none to an exception, all of the world shall face its end, every single clump of dirt.

~Jeff

These words have no meaning. Sometimes, Its best to just let what is on the inside out, even if you dont know what it is. For all shall come to pass.

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 04:10:13 GMT

"When I'm looking at the sky
The stars are twinkling and embracing
Those stars look like various people
Shooting different lights
Among those, I want to shine too,
Closing my eyes and swearing in my heart
I dream upon a shooting star"

Dream a wish in your heart that appears in your mind. Anything that you wish to be can happen if you only try your hardest to achieve it. Living, moving, achieving, receiving, all of life is a dream. Every action you recieve could also be a dream of another and never regret what happens, for what happens to you could be much better then it appears. Live , and learn, teach, and be taught. Heal others, and heal yourself, and among all things, respect the truth, and respect the life.

Random rants. My actions unknown to even me. Maybe my own rambling mind just wants to get some thoughts down. Sometimes even i have things i dont say to myself, maybe this is my mind saying that even i should learn a lesson? I guess the lesson to be learned is how everything happens for a reason and to always see the "Silver Lining". With Me and Ashley, my move seperated us , but it seemed to secure us even more. To show that we are devoted enough to keep going, and that we really do care deeply by not stopping. And it was aided by us not always getting to see eachother before. Our relationship was physical, but also mainly emotional. It involved the real, the fake, the dream, the hope, and all aspects that you may have. I miss her dearly though, i cant wait to be able to hold her in my arms. And as i said to her, and as i will say to anyone. I will do anything in my life, anything i can do, to make sure that i can hold on to her forever. One day , we will see eachother much more then we do now, but no matter what, from now to then, from after then to before now, either way you may look at things...I wont stop caring about her. People may say what they wish, but i could care less about what someone may say. My life has never been ruled by others , and i wont let it now. Anyone that dare say that a long distence relationship is pointless and impossible, I dare you to say it. Anyone who says it will end, say it wholeheartedly. I just want to know who doesnt believe , so that later, i can show you all how much i meant what i said. As i mean it now, and ill mean it then, I love Ashley.

Well....this entry is random. Im just flowing back and forth into things. Not really any thought pattern.Well....I must go now ttyl

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 04:19:18 GMT

Its sad you know, missing someone? ITs funny to think, how things work. Let us add things up and think about all the things I wanna talk about....hmmm...I really dont know. haha.
Its funny , reading back, a few months ago......I was so twisted back then, I wonder if anyone noticed the change ive had in my life. Ive changed the definition on many words of mine, ive changed who i was for the better, Ive made changes, and its funny to note them. Anyway..... Its almost to the dreaded 6 week mark. I have a curse with the 6th week anniversary hah. But i know this one will last. As I always said, 3rd times the charm and 3 strikes and your out. The last one will be best, and as it is stated the last. Cause i really wouldnt want to go on, if she stopped haha. I couldnt find someone better. I dont think she will stop, and i know i wont. I really do care about her, more then anyone or anything else. It actually is odd, Ive always been even when i cared about something, half-way apathetic or regretful, but with her im 100% happy and sure of things. I know this will work, and as long as things work out, I know my life will always be grerat, as long as i have her. I never thought she would really actually like me....And now that i know she does, thats amazing :) Since Feb.15th Ive been going out with her, and i would never take a day back. One by one, day by day, weve talked a lot, and ive never had one regret.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 05:34:51 GMT

Well it is 12:22 am, one month ago today i started the best days of my life and havnt regretted them once. It still reminds me of the beginning of all this, before she would even know the truth, and before others knew. Sitting there listening to songs, and i still remember one of them that made me really happy. It was the day we went ice skating , And i got home and was thinking about it, and Last Christmas was playing. And it also was played before that day and i thought of her, but after that day i knew that song to me, was meant to have her name. Its funny to think back to the EARLY EARLY Days, then the new days, then the recent days, and then now. This is the first decision ive made that i havnt had any 2nd thoughts on at all, not in the littlest form. I miss her so much, saturday i might be able to do something now....I hope i can see her, and my friends as well. They dont know how much they mean to me, and she means the most. Leaving all of this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do, but alas , this is the fate of which i have been given. God does crazy things, from our knowledge, but its for the best. Lets see how life goes, ill be back if i can, and ill never stop caring about anyone and i will NEVER leave Ashley, though my presence wont always be physical , I will always be in your heart and you in mine.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 06:02:47 GMT

You had the opportunity, and you wasted it. Thats all you can think of, but live, and learn. Someday i must say those words, today was the closest ive been. I stopped myself, while i was that close. Next time......I wont make the same mistake. I will tell you. I promise you that, but this time, i let it stay easy. irst is good, but 2nd will work better. Today it made you happy for me to be there.....Next time, youll be happy to hear, im hear to stay, for as long as you want me to be. I will not only be there, but i will show, ill always bethere, for as long as i can. But i must say today was fun, I showed i cared the best ways i know how, a little visual, light verbal, but 200% psychological. haha. I hugged you for a while, and held you and kept you warm, I told you i was happy, and told you i was the best ive been in forever, but i did everything else, all the little things i could do to show i cared, if only i could say it. I guess that will be the next step, Ive never worried this much about this kinda thing, but then again, ive never really cared this much. I shouldnt even say anything, but i am, oh well. Tommorow, shall tell a adventure, I shall see what it shall tell, along with everything else. And that emotion you got me to feel, its irreplacable. I used to tell people i knew what happiness was at one point, i used to say i knew love, i used to say i knew sadness, but now i know the true emotions. The happiness from getting to see you, the love i feel about your existence, and the sadness from missing you whenever you are gone. I just want to say, I shouldnt care too much in the beginning, but for once im willing for it to never have an end. I may sound foolish, but she is more imprtant to me then anything else that has ever existed. Well shall i say second important, of course, but still, on and born of this earth she has become my number one. And i believe in everything about her. I believe in any way she wants to live, i support her in all that she does and is, and no matter what, i know my feelings wont change. Yea , it may be pathetic to some of you, but she suddenly means so much, and i know it will stay that way, shes so amazing to me. I wonder what i mean to her, after today, i at least can believe that it is in a pleasant way, but i wonder to what extent? I guess as i said time will tell, let us see what time eventually has Angel say. And Angel, yes there are many reasons for that name to be given, i guess someday i shall state them.

Sorry for this sillyness, if it is to you, its not at all to me but, sometimes i just have to empty my mind.

*Mood : Perfect , ive even changed some things lately about myself, nothing major, just life habits, i need to live on, so i guess some risks i take must go down a little. End comment : I got to hold her today, my life felt complete whle i held her.*

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 03:03:24 GMT

Well today sucks but im really done with dealing with it all. Theres 3 people that i care about.....1 Im thinking about giving up on since that person and I dont really talk that much. 2) I care about a lot, but just as much as number 3. They are Amasing , but just as amasing as number 3.......And they are quite Godly as well......which is a major plus. But number 3 is good as well, pretty much tied with number 2 but.....she just has this effect on me. But i dont know if she thinks about me at all anymore. I would just go for number 2....but number 3 is easily seen everyday. But im pretty sure ill have a answer to my question in the next 5 weeks, i have a trick up my sleeve as always. This wouldnt be this hard on me emotionally if only i didnt have those other questions i want answered as well. But Matt gave me some great advice and it helped a great amount.......Only problem now is just calming down and taking this last question.I really wanna go for number 2, the distence would kill me but it would be worth it. But number 3 is just as amazing.............But the amazing amount of Godly characteristics i feel in number 2 helps pull her ahead. Im just not sure, B/c 3 may just be playing another act, just as the others did. But heres when my little plan comes into plan....haha thats annoying, plan plan. Anyway.....This new idea now makes me know the answer, but it may take 5 weeks at longest. Well find out.

Well im going to sleep early tonight. Sleep helps

Sorry if i seem "Emo" Lately, though thats so dumb to say. I hate it when people call me emo, im sorry that im sad for once, i guess ill just call you emo next time your depressed back. Emo is sad without reason for attention, not b/c they have life issues that arnt constant, if i always acted like this then fine, but i dont. So =P

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 20:09:34 GMT

Sorry about this random rant, none of you will even know what its about...

Its fun to think back to that day...I wonder if i did the wrong thing if things would be different. I could have done what the others would have, I could have fell into her pressures and did those things, I could have, but i didnt. You think people would find you to be a better person by doing certain things....well...Not doing certain things. I guess this world just isnt used to the right actions, and now the right actions are the ones that people dont want ou doing.... But i dont care, im not changing myself for anyones amusement or anything. I am who i am and if you didnt like that, then i guess it is your mistake and not mine. So i guess we can say our goodbyes again, for i do not miss what isnt worth missing. So far i made 2 major mistakes in my life in that area......Next time i wont make the mistake. Thank you for making me learn how terrible people can actually be, underneath the person that they hide.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:25:40 GMT

Well Christmas came and went , just as expected. So im a wee bit irrit. right now but im just going to lay it off. People just dont understand it, wont, cant. W/evs im just a worthless existence looking back then, never helped, just existed. Well ill talk to people later.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 06:52:44 GMT

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...You.

Well...Life is interesting to say the least. Isnt it always a trip. Ecspecially when you change through about 25 things in 1 week. You slowly realise your mistakes and choices, your life goals and what you have accomplished....And you realise what happend, and why it did. Life changes, and sometimes you slowly realise what it has lead you to. Some choices were made with "hasty generalization" as they call it. But lately i would have to say i like the choices I am making now. Though in the past few weeks I fell from my standards for a little while, i again came back to where i was and surpassed them. Certain things are better now, that of course helped my mental mindset....But now again i am forced into some depressing situation.

Well Again, i was happy for a few days , but then something pretty sad is going along. I wont post anymore details till more evolves from it, just its something with my sister, and i hope it works out.

Well Life can suck, but there are some reasons that it is good. Correct choices, correct thinking....Even finding out some things on my own about life, and other major issues.

But now here comes a clincher moment, guess its inevitable.

Yes, or no?
Stop, or go?

Possible or not?
Risk all, but all for naught?

Why waste this life with pointless questions?
We all should live at our own disgression.

Well i found my choice, and i know its going to happen...But how and when is beyond me. And yet, even my friends dont know this one, and even they wont expect it. (Hint: Im not telling you because i dont like saying indefinates.)

So anyway....Ice skating , Saturday....I dont even know if i remember how to.....I took Ice hockey lessons once, i quit after the first day. Too many rules in hockey, back then i wanted a place to hit people legaly, but when your little you couldnt even check anyone, no fun in that. Making hockey a non Contact sports is like playing soccer with only your elbows, it just doesnt make sense. So yeah, its 1:30 am, im going to do my homework till 2 am, get water at 1:45am. Then goto sleep, and hopefully fall asleep by 2:30am, after contemplating upon my daily choices and next upcoming decisions. Its my new way of handling things, extensive thinking. Decided thinking cant be a bad thing if done right. haha. So my new little helpful note to everyone. Remember these latin words, Fortius Quo Fidelius. It means Strength through loyalty. Its something ive actually lived by for a pretty long time. We all lie through strength , but at what bounds is this strength formed. Loyalty, friendship, trust, all words that must be together. For A good friend is loyal, and you can always trust a loyal friend. And more....A note to say I tend to trust my friends...All of them...Trust should be earned, and sometimes i do that a little early. Im learning to control that, but we should all work on it. If your someones friend, be a good one. Good friends help people more then you know, And i would trust a few of my friends with anything. I can understand not always being able to trust people, and im not saying to dislike people you cant trust. all im saying is, learn that trust has a importence that should be there in everyones life.

Well gnight everyone, ill see you all in later days. Some in hours, some in days, some in weeks, years, and some...In the farthest reaches of eternity, we shall meet again.

haha :) I love how ill always think of a new weird way to say goodbye. Well gnight everyone, off to do my stuff. Have fun with your sleeping and stuff haha.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:48:44 GMT

Ehh I must go and leave to a far away place that i may be forced to stay for a elongated period in time, but not for me, as is for them. Their lives found to be dependant upon the family, enough that I must become involved , as my brotherly right. Looks like i am to be screwed over again, eh, oh well, happiness is what i lived for in the past, Happiness is my token call, so it was, so it shall be, the happiness of another over-shadowing the needs of myself. And to the two, the ones that i cared too dear about, if i must go, you shall never know the true depths of me actually caring, and im sorry that i would have to leave. And to my friends, all the ones that care, i would miss you all, And will if i must go. I hope this changes, for its what i have been praying for , for the last 5 months, Yes ive known this long, sorry if you didnt know...Im not one to share bad news haha. And sorry to any that im not nice to in this current time, I feel my life slowly slipping away from everything ive always wanted it to be.... I feel everything, slowly but surely going a way. And in my past years of my life ive had everything possible stripped away, then when i get it back it gets taken again. Im hoping it wont take you from me, by forcing me to leave, that will be a hard thing to cope with, trust me, you all mean more to me then you think. Im not a person to say this openly to all my friends, and im not one to share it, but if i consider you my friend, you mean alot to me, your a person i trust and care deeply about. That could be why people think i "like" Almost every girl that is my friend, i guess once you care about someone deeply with all your heart and soul that could be shown as love. You all mean alot to me, and if i must go, losing you will hurt a very great amount. But what sucks more, is the people i care about, leaving them will hurt more, though i dont think they care back or will....They just mean alot to me. And those who pray, though i dont want to sound selfish, could you please pray for me? I try not to pray too much for myself , God knows what im going through, a quick Help me while praying,is what i do.

And here ill say some things about 3 things that arnt going well.

1) The Pathetic reason about caring about people and the two people i like..... One might like me, or it may be an excuse, but i like them alot. And another i like alot, but i doubt she would like me b/c she told me b4 she knew i liked her she doesnt date guys that are younger then her. You all should know who they both are, but if you dont you can ask, im not afraid.

2) Chance of leaving here for good soon / Not too long from now.
I dont wnat to leave any of you, but i might have to, for the sake of my family and etc. I have to help them and stuff and it sucks, so im sorry if its really bad to hear. I would really hate to lose any of you, i may not show it, but i truely care about all of your wellbeing's and i hope you all stay well. People say i give money to my friends to keep them, thats not why, people think that b/c ill give them it, but its b/c Material possesions mean nothing to me, owning a car, or a flower, or a stupid tank of air, i dont care what i own, i get the necessities and rarely something that entices me....I love people being happy, i will buy you things to help that, i will help you to help that, I just want my friends, The people i care about, to be the happpiest that they possibly can be.

3) Chose between my family or College.

I have to be there to help them, or theres a slim chance of it working....If im not there, when my dad dies, my sisters wont have a job. If i went to college theres a chance of them having no purpose. But i want to goto college, i want to be sucessful and not be completely pointless. I wanted to be a psychologist, theres something i dont know if you all knew...But i must help them. I have to chose right now, which one. One will make me lose the other...... I cant really do both, trust me.

Well im sorry for not being too happy, I must go now ttyl.

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 05:19:55 GMT

Though the below is sad, Im still happy, just annoyed with someone.

Well anyway I have been really good everyone but again my life has terrible drama. Im thinking about keeping track of this just to know how many mistakes people from my "old ways" make. The friends, the foes....The good , then the bad. Life is based on a balance afterall, not everything goes both ways , but EVERYTHING can. Well something sad happend to a close friend of mine that i warned them about.....I warned them. I know the pain shes feeling, and shes had this pain inflicted by the SAME PERSON, Isnt that ironically enough. The pains of the heart, the hardest ones to cure. I feel sorry for her. Also another thing, A example SLIGHTLY like it is this, though in actuality what happend to us is worse. Here take a look at this show we all know too much , watch the first 2 mins , I think the scene is in there http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfKh_sa-oAk&NR

But all together im REALLY happy still, though theres one thing still on my mind. Theres also ONE thing that would make me happier, but I try not to hpe for the impossible. Either way look at the below.

Oh and on a side note, Remember a LOOONNNGGG time ago i went to Veges and suggested a Cirque Du Soleil Show called KA, Heres are scenes from it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN2tHm3UH0M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAfrXLiVOVo

Heres the "Giant Harp"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSWS8DnGfYE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN-ODh1vMek&mode=related&search=

Heres a "Movie trailer" of sorts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpwujOhc9Ls&mode=related&search=

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 04:40:12 GMT

1.Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favourite Movie:

5. Favourite Song:

6. Favourite Band/Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. What is your favourite memory of us?

6. Would you give me a kidney?

7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

9. Can we get together and make a cake?

10. Have you heard any rumours of me lately?

11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

12. Do you think I'm a good person?

13. Would you drive across country with me?

14. Do you think I'm attractive?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

20. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 09:44:48 GMT

Ehhh Jeez, this sucks. How are all of you? Im not good at all....Im feeling pretty bad and its ironic how everythings going. Why is it the only person that likes me, is the only person i dont want to? Where as i guess if everyone I liked knew i liked them, they would probably say something among the same lines. Well my twisted ironic terrible luck is still kicking in, get cared for by the people you cant care about back, and care about people that would laugh about you saying you liked them. Im about to give up, Really i am. No matter what i do, its always the same outcome. Let alone the smiling face i just realised....I need to get that image out of my head! I cant have this person on my mind, yet for some reason i cant get it out. They....are different, they are just like the others , exvept they wouldnt even pretned it, they would go straight into hating me, I need to end it all. You see it doesnt matter how much I care about anyone, cause in the end, they hate me for caring, they will leave me b/c i care about them. Yet another ironic twist of my fate, I care about someone and that very fact makes them leave. Maybe if things didnt happen as they did back then......No if they didnt i would not be kind in the least. I would be a selfish, uncaring person.....But would that be better? In this world it seems like maybe that would be better. Let alone the memories that have been coming back.....Of that day, your hair, your eyes, your words, your emotions.....Those 3 words that you said, the ones that started it all, then those 2 that ended it. How i long for that feeling towards someone else.....How i wish that was possible....But noone else even cares , noone else would even fakely care, just for their own benefit. Then theres Her The only one that cares about me, but I dont care back....Sometimes i wonder if i should just go along with it....B/c noone else would care about me. Alot of you say things like there will be....But you dont know my life, you dont know what people act towards me. Theres some people that just dont know how it is. And yet i know some of you do. But i cant go along with it, that would just make me be like a different person. Well now i have abuot 7 people on my mind, that would never want to be .... I have 1 person im on their mind, that i wish i wasnt, and then theres the other 2....That i hate sooo much now, b/c ......Its just soo wrong. Ehh, im just soo annoyed right now, this world just annoys me in that aspect, you always lose who you care about and gain who you dont Ehh I must go for now.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 06:13:38 GMT

Eh.....How are all of you. Im not too good really. Can anyone tell me your oppinion, what should you do if you like about 3 people ALOT but you know that none of them like you? And one person that I like Alot is probably expecting that i do....Since its usually obvious....But they probably dont like it. People may call me crazy to feel bad about liking people.....But Its....Never mind. Too hard to explain. But heres my question, what should i do? Im starting to think that maybe i shouldnt hide it as i always do, but i dont want to show it and have them hate me for it. Any of these 4 people i would be happy with Caring about me, one of them is a special case though, someone that, I just like, for alot of good reasons, and.....I just cant understand why i like her more, but i do. Compared that i know her the least out of all the people.....Compared how I feel like she doesnt like me in the least...I just like her alot....But truthfully it doesnt matter.I really doubt she likes me , since the law of averages should tell you if the only other 2 people ive seen that i cared this much about at first only started to use me and forget me. What sucks , I really like this person, I really wish they would like me too you know? This is one person that i like, and its weird b/c i didnt really like them b4. Then this year started and it changed for some reason. Could it be b/c i Actually got ot know them and found out the entertaining and funny person they can be?

I hate liking people....This is why i always try not liking people from school, b/c there are gigantic consequences , like being unable to stop yourself from liking someone you shouldnt cause you just keep seeing and hearing them for who they are. I cant really describe why i like this person....and of course im not saying who it is.....But ,,,,It sucks liking them, almost knowing that they wont like me.

Well we will see how the next upcoming days will turn out. So.....If anyone has any comments on this...it would be nice. I would actually like some help, either moving on, or something. Should i move on? Should i forget them, though i cant, and just move on? Should i try to establish anything, should i do anything at all? I dont know for once what to do.....

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 06:18:29 GMT

Heres a song that ive heard recently which lyrics stick out to me in some sort.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you
When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if youre wrong

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

Thats how things were with and are with ...well i shall'nt start upon which i was going to converse upon.

Sometimes i wonder about somethings, i also wonder about other things. What if life was different, yet it doesnt really matter.... WEve all chosen what we have , and you cant change it.But it doesnt really matter..... Ehh im really depressed for once......Other times in my life i was able to compress it all, now this is just pouring into my life, effecting it in different way...I just wish i tidndnt happen now. I loved her so much yet...i guess she didnt really care, just like the others, and even more mainly just like....her.......Im not saying who. I hope school starts again...maybe in the 99.99999% chance theres someone there that would like me, but all i really want is to be able to talk to some more friends, enough in a day that thngs like this can be drown out for a little while.... well i need to move on off of this somehow.... It might have been easy if i actually moved on from the others....Ecspecially the only other one that counted....but i stil am not, im still in pain from all those lies, all of it... I wish someone would just go and take it all, maybe then , maybe i could see how it is to be truely happy, b/c if it all was gone, people coudlnt use me for it. But theres one other thing i wish....i wish that oneday....everything will be....right... the right way that i hope it will be. And i hope that the reason it is right, is true, and not another lie.

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 05:30:59 GMT

I hate my life truthfully hah, interesting note to start with isnt it?
Truthfully i wish i could let soemone into my life, someone that i could let close enough to know whats wrong with me, yet i cant.Theres only 2 people ive trusted with telling some of my problems with, yet they dont now it, truthfully if they knew how much i actually told them , they still wouldnt care. People dont dcare really how i am, isnt that the most ironic thing of all. People dont understand how much i care, yet those i care about give me the most equal amount of caring revesed. I get the hate for all i care, i get the suffering for all i give. I am your hate, i am your disgust. I am everything that you want to shove away, yet all i want is for yoyu to le me close. Truthfully in my life ive had one person ever say that they cared about me and meant it, and they werent family. I guess thats my life isnt it? To care and yet not get cared for. One of the people i let into my life , told me all the sweetest lies and told me of how they hated this one person, this person was the one person they couldnt forgive, the one person that they hated, i helped you and gave everything, i wasted month, i wasted my stength, and I , as always wasted everything i could give, just to have you switch all that caring and adoration to that one person who was all your hate. You switched us completely around, im sorry that i cared and sorry that i gave everything, im sorry that i never used you and tried to hurt you , since it seems thats all you care about. Then the second person i cared about i helped make them happy , they were depressed beyond reason, so i help and i give, i care and then you hurt. Its great to know that no matter what i do, everyone i care about turns around and stabs me in the back.... I guess thats why im so self- relaiant and ccant trust anyone isnt it? B/c everyone i ever trust betrays me? Im sorry about caring about any of you , if caring somehow offends you im sorry. I always thought that being a kind caring person , maybe that would help, but no, people only truly care aabout the ones that hurt you. Im actually about to go and do what i did in the 6th grade and 7th grade. I dont know if i shall or not, I mean hey it made everyone show their true colors. But why shall i care, im used to the pain , soemthing that turthfully all you arrogant people dont know what pain is. You think you know pain , then live my life , youll figure out what pain is. Pain is knowing that you cant sleep b/c if you do you see all that truly hurts you and you cant live b/c everyone you see hurts you just the same. Pain is knowing that no matter what someone tells you , that you cant trust them , cause everyones just trying to use you for what you are. Pain is knowing that you can Remember any point in your life and knowing that no matter what has happend in the back of your head when you were happy knowing that soon this happiness will be replaced with pain, b/c all of it is just a lie. Pain is knowing that you can get as much physical pain as you want, and yet it doesnt effect you as much as the mental pain. For after all i am your hate, i am your ultimate darkness, the one thing that you shall always try to hide and supress the one thing that you always want to go away, but you shall always seem what you can and move away. Take as much as you can from me, im used to it, you want my money , JUST FUCKING TKAE IT AND LEAVE. If you want to kill me , why dont you go ahead , half the world would give you a congrats and love you for it equally. I mean hey, i am your excuse to do what you want, b/c caring about me isnt give and take, its take take take and then waste away, cause who cares? Noone ever really has and im aobut to start giving up on it.

On a different note my most recent ex g/f is really depressed about different things and i feel bad, iw wish i coudl take in all her pain and tkae it all away, no matter what ill always be here for her and i will always love her, i once said that, and i always mean what i say.Everyday since she broke up with me , she and i have had a midnight conversation. I wish i could make her happy adn take all her pain away, yet even when i opened myself up to her and gave her everything that i was all she did was throw me away and hate it, and it hurt me more to try helping. But i will always help

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away"

I hate how it seems people only care about me when i care about them while im fixing all their problems, when they are in need of hwelp , i help them , adn then they tell me that they caer about me , so as tribute for helping them, they hurt me as some kind orf retribution. Then they walk away happier than ever, i fixed everything that was wron in your life and then you hurt me and leave, but once somethigns screwed up again , you come back to me , always smiling , even if im crying on the inside, just for you , i show that smile and ill hold you tight , fixing everything , then youll only leave again, but maybe for once i shouldnt help, what would happen then? Too bad i can never do that, cause thats what i get for caring. Well im done, im sick of talking, well typing, im just going to go stare at my cieling tilli fall asleep, hopefully i wont fall asleep, id rather black out and never wake up.

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 21:59:08 GMT

Looking into my life and realising the only few people ive been able to trust...... That is my life isnt, always the one to fall taking all the damage. I am your scapegoat, i am your blame, let me take the place of all you hate , im used to it, its my life, its my soul, i know how its shall always go. Im sorry for that fact, yet they dont really care, they never care that i am there. I can help , and yet you hurt, you fidn all the ways that you can. Its funny most of you think you know me, but i dont think that theres many people in this world at all, actually, i dont think anyone knows the real me, i barely know me. Expressions of emotions, hatred, love, caring ,adoration, good and bad, happy and sad, linked words of expressions. I dont like showing my emotions, id rather always trying to show happiness. Cause heres something ill let you all know, truthfully if i would show my emotions, i have more hatred and sadness than anyone ive ever met, and yet its all for good reason. People think ive been blessed in my life, yet truthfully ive always been cursed. The few of you that know what you do, truthfully theres much more to tell....truthfully theres some people here that ive wanted to tell everything, just so i would have someone to talk to about it, but i hate talking about myself really, i hate actually everything about myself, I mean hey what is there to like, obviously nothing since everyone that gets close finds some way to take more from me and leave with it. Sorry for the rant again, i doubt people really anted to hear any of that. Slightly upset again, really wish i could believe my ex g/f and why she left. How can i believe her after she already lied once? I dont know what to feel anymore, should i just always feel the hatred that i always feel against this world, truthfully you all dont know this , but i hate the money i have, i hate everything that people will say im blessed with. Over this summer i have spent over $450, under $45 of it has gone to me. You see, i spend money for my friends, i dont mind it, but when i use my money for a friend and later find out that htey didnt care they only used me for it....It gets annoying. Sorry for all these non - linked pathetic things , im truthfully upset at many things, i just dont know which to talk about or say, so ill just say the lighter bits on here, cause truthfully this is all i can trust you all to know. Not that i dont trust any of you, i trust all of you more than other people in my life cause i feel safer around you people more able to be closer to who i want to be in life and not some fake me that i have to show, i dont have to be some perfect person or some Amazing this to you all, though truthfully you guys dont really know the real me either V_V Noone really does heh. Its hard to show really. You seer theres 3 people ive shown the real me to, One was my first Ex g/f, who told me she liked me and all this other bull crap, but would then say she didnt ever say that. Then thers my second ex g/f who said that i was the nicest person she ever met and the best b/f anyone could hoppe to find, she said i was amazing, she said she loved me and she acted liek i meant sooo much to her.....then.....she leaves me saying she hjust doesnt want a b/f right now, after her friend tells me she broke up with me b/c she found someone she liked better and another friend of hers told me it was b/c this other guy had more money then i had...making me wonder if she truely cared.....and then, theres my cousin, the only person that i have been able to be myself around and never been hated for it. But you guys will see more of me starting soon, im done with just being someone different though, you guys are going to start seeign the real me, not a spastic crazy me , thats only trying to make every happier, but im just going to be me. People hate me for that, but o well haha.Im just really depressed-ish right now, i guess the true reason could be how i can never get that one thing ive always wanted to get. Someone to actually care about me, truthfully theres a good amount of people i care about, but its always the few i care about most, always truthfully care about me the least. eh...Sorry for this random post heh. I think its time for me to shutup now and move on. You know what i hope soemone gets on aim and someone gets on mysapce, theres some people i realy wish would get on b/c talking to them makes me happier :). Right now that would be really useful.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 06:55:14 GMT

Omg.......I hate everything............You all can call me emo, you all can do whatever. I dont care, i could care less what any of you say or do anymore. Read this and then...Welll you can deal with it as you please, its great to hear things like this. The end

jeffreyjackson05: I cant wait till i can see Jackie again.....
jeffreyjackson05: But it will be awhile
**********: It's not too far off
**********: Don't be too excited.
**********: You never know what's gonna happen when you see her again
jeffreyjackson05: It will be far far far away = /
**********: You know
**********: ?
jeffreyjackson05: No i dont
**********: You DO realize ythat something bad might happen when you see her again, right?
jeffreyjackson05: Like?
**********: I dunno
**********: She might have found a guy that she liked better, or decided she didn't lke you
**********: Anything, really
jeffreyjackson05: Where do you get this from? Just wondering if theres any guarenteed truth to the statement.... hah
**********: You are so GULLIBLE!\
jeffreyjackson05: No
**********: I'm just messing with you.
jeffreyjackson05: Im just wondering
**********: I have n't heard from Jackie since she left, so I don't know what to expect
**********: haha
jeffreyjackson05: If i said i had mafia connections and i could kill you with a .58 caliber rifle ... you would want to knmow if there was any truth to it
jeffreyjackson05: But theres not
**********: It looks like a touched a nrve.
**********: What's the matter?
**********: Don't you trust Jackie?
jeffreyjackson05: No no no i trust her lol
jeffreyjackson05: I was just saying that i was wondering if there was any trutth to it
jeffreyjackson05: Dont worry that was my expression of stateing, People say things and if you dont know better you wonder :-D
jeffreyjackson05: Justifying what i was saying
jeffreyjackson05: :-D
jeffreyjackson05: Your silent?
jeffreyjackson05: Everything alright?
**********: Yeah
**********: sorry
jeffreyjackson05: Alright just making sure :-D lol haha
**********: haha
**********: yeah.
**********: anyway,
**********: I'm just really
**********: bored
**********: You know?
**********: How about you?
jeffreyjackson05: Me too
jeffreyjackson05: Bored and getting messeges from someone
**********: really/
**********: ?
jeffreyjackson05: Probably one of your friends told to say soemthing lol
**********: who?
**********: ?
jeffreyjackson05: Light Pol1ution
**********: Never heard of them

**********: What's the message?
jeffreyjackson05: right....
jeffreyjackson05: Nothing im going to Acknowledge
**********: Believe her Jeff
**********: It's true
**********: That's a friend of mine
**********: Jackie called me and told me, and I wanted to warn you, because you deserve it
**********: This isn't a joke.
jeffreyjackson05: .....
jeffreyjackson05: Thats not too pleasant to know.
jeffreyjackson05: I dont know if i should trust you
**********: I'm really sorry
**********: Listen
**********: I swore too Jackie that I wouldn't say a word, and I'm the ONLY person she told.
jeffreyjackson05: Really , are you serious about this cause if not its really not a funny joke.......
**********: I wouldn't lie about this. Jeff.\, I'm trusting you not to tel a soul.
jeffreyjackson05: ....
**********: PLease. I don't want Jackie to be mad at me.
jeffreyjackson05: Im not saying anything to her that would make her hate you.
jeffreyjackson05: I still dont know if i should believe you on this
jeffreyjackson05: I trust her alot.
**********: If you tell her I told, she would hate me
jeffreyjackson05: But if she leaves i guess sheshappier.
**********: Anyway, you knoiw Jackie.
**********: Nothing is ever absolute.
**********: She could easily change her mind.
jeffreyjackson05: Well we will find out ourselves
**********: I hope I'm wrong Jeff.
jeffreyjackson05: I trust you of courwe, but i trust her more.
**********: I sincerely do
jeffreyjackson05: I trust her more , when she said she cared.
jeffreyjackson05: If that changed and shes happier alone or with someone else , all taht matters to me is she is the happiest she can be....i guess even if thats w/o me.
jeffreyjackson05: But i trust her
jeffreyjackson05: For what shes said and that wont change till she tells me otherwise
**********: Before anything else is said, promise me that you would tell noone that I warned
**********: you
jeffreyjackson05: Maybe i will maybe i wont.
jeffreyjackson05: But you shouldnt worry abuot it if it is true ,should you?
jeffreyjackson05: B/c if its true no word goes to Jackie and noone knows you said anything.
**********: and if oit's not?
jeffreyjackson05: And if its not , i wouldnt say anything to Jackie , but the one person who i trust things like this to could. Idk i cant control others, im not goign to force someone to do anything.
**********: Jeff, you don't understand. Everyone has someone who they'll tell everything to will tell someone else, and the word spreads.
**********: If what I told you gets out, I swear that I will never forgive you, nor speak to you again.
jeffreyjackson05: Well if its true you have nothing to worry about, do you?
**********: Am I clear on that?
jeffreyjackson05: Dont worry about it getting out
jeffreyjackson05: B/c if its true noone will know , and if not noone should know
**********: You don't know that it won't
**********: and I'm risking my friendship with one of my best friends for you!
jeffreyjackson05: Sure i cant guarentee that.
jeffreyjackson05: But i give you my promise
jeffreyjackson05: Im usually a very trustworthy person
**********: If you can't respect that, I have no business talking to you anymore.
jeffreyjackson05: Just dont worry about it
jeffreyjackson05: No i respect that
jeffreyjackson05: Thats why i dont just take this as a lie completely
**********: COMPLETELY?!?!
**********: Jeff!
**********: is ridiculous!
**********: 'What possible reason do I have to lie about this?!
jeffreyjackson05: idk
**********: You do know how long a girl can hold a grudge?
jeffreyjackson05: But i trust Jackie more than you.
jeffreyjackson05: Dont worry about it, ok?
**********: Do you know?!
jeffreyjackson05: know what?
jeffreyjackson05: How long a time you could hold a grude?
**********: How long a girl can hold a grudge?
jeffreyjackson05: yea
jeffreyjackson05: Do you know how long i still will care about Jackie and trust her?
jeffreyjackson05: Until the day she tells me to do otherwise
**********: How long can a girl hold a grudge?
jeffreyjackson05: For a looong timmme
**********: Not even close
**********: forever
jeffreyjackson05: Well im sorry
jeffreyjackson05: But truthfully
**********: You do believe me when I say that I will never forgive you if you tell a soul, right?
jeffreyjackson05: I dont trust you on this enough to make me change my stance on how much i care about her.
jeffreyjackson05: I wont tell anyone till i know it can be a joke
**********: I'm not asking you to dumbass.
jeffreyjackson05: B/c in my mind i beleive this is a joke
jeffreyjackson05: Or something just stupid
jeffreyjackson05: B/c thats how i will always take it
**********: I'm not saying that you don't love Jakckie
**********: it's HER that doesn't love YOU!
jeffreyjackson05: I know
jeffreyjackson05: But what im saying is i wont trust that
jeffreyjackson05: Until she says otherwise
**********: She would have dumed you via phone is she hadn't thought of it as cowardly
**********: Why would I bother to keep a joke going for half an hour?
jeffreyjackson05: No clue
**********: and why would I be so mad that you don't believe me?
**********: The answer is simple. BECAUSE IT;'S NOT A OKE
jeffreyjackson05: Well ill find out
**********: You don't get it.
**********: For weeks Jackie has been getting sick of you
jeffreyjackson05: I dont really care anymroe that your saying it
jeffreyjackson05: Ill find out from HER
**********: She flicked off the computer screen once because you were being obnoxious
jeffreyjackson05: So you can be quiet about it already
**********: And you and your stubborn ass can believe what you want to, but I expect a FULL apology when she dumps you!
jeffreyjackson05: No actually i wont forgive you
**********: I'm not fucking joking
jeffreyjackson05: I wont care
jeffreyjackson05: Im not saying you are really
**********: Forgive me?
**********: I didn't do anything
jeffreyjackson05: Im just saying im not going to take this seriously till she tell sme that
**********: Except of course trying to help
**********: Go to Hell asshole.
jeffreyjackson05: Im not being mean
jeffreyjackson05: Dont take it that way
**********: Yes, you are
jeffreyjackson05: Im just saying that i care about her enough to not trust this
jeffreyjackson05: Until she tells me it herself
**********: You're being stubborn and mean and ungrateful
**********: Any decent person would thank me for risking my friendshipfor them
**********: But you can't
jeffreyjackson05: Thats b/c you dont udnerstand
jeffreyjackson05: I care about her too much to beleive this Till she tells me it herself
**********: DON'T FUCKIN TELL ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
jeffreyjackson05: You dont
**********: That just shows how little you know about me.
jeffreyjackson05: Im not going to thank you for something that until i hear form her i wonty beleive as true
**********: You won't thank me then either. You'll squeal on me and end up ruining my friendship
jeffreyjackson05: No
jeffreyjackson05: B/c im not like that
jeffreyjackson05: Im just a trusting person to those i care dearly for
jeffreyjackson05: And no matterr what anything you say Im not distrusting her till she tells me to
**********: This isn't just me getting sick kicks.
**********: I don't lie about emotions.
jeffreyjackson05: I dont care! Really listen , no matter WHAT you say, i wont believe it till she tells me.
**********: Suit yourself. At least you'll be prepared to hear it when the time comes
jeffreyjackson05: Alright then I guess i will if thats the trith then.
jeffreyjackson05: Im going to bed now, gnight.
**********: Jeff.
jeffreyjackson05: What?
**********: I'm not lying
jeffreyjackson05: Im sorry if this offends you but im not believeing it till she tells me.
**********: I can't stop it if you don't.
**********: It's your mistake, not mine
jeffreyjackson05: Well see, ok , gnight , im tired im getting to bed.
**********: My sister says you"re delusional
jeffreyjackson05: Well, if i am , i am, well find out, and everyone can make fun of me then for caring enough to never doubt her.
**********: Jackie can't love you
**********: She can't love anyone bbecause she doesn't love herself.
jeffreyjackson05: I dont care what you say, and you all can make fun of me later for caring too much to doubt her.
**********: now you're being redundant
jeffreyjackson05: Well sorry
jeffreyjackson05: Im a really trusting devoted person and the only thing that will make me change the way i care about her is what she says.
**********: I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her that I told you.
jeffreyjackson05: If you want.
**********: Then you will hear it for yourself
jeffreyjackson05: Ok then
jeffreyjackson05: Bye , gnight.
**********: No.
**********: I can't call her
**********: she wasnt supposed to call me.
jeffreyjackson05: Well im sorry talk toy ou later..
**********: Be warned, If Catlin calls me tomorrow and yells at me, I'll know who's fault it is.\
jeffreyjackson05: Be warned , truthfully, im not valuign what your saying in the least bit.
jeffreyjackson05: I trust her too much
jeffreyjackson05: Yell at me as much as you want
jeffreyjackson05: I dont care
**********: Then you're naiive and stupid
jeffreyjackson05: Im going to bed now
**********: go ahead\

So if you read all that which i highly doubt....Grats. Im going to go continue contemplating killing myself and cry myself to sleep Goodnight.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 14:09:34 GMT

I miss somebody right now.
I don’t watch much TV these days.
I love olives
I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I’ve tried marijuana.
I’ve watched porn movies.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I have a hobby.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I’m TOTALLY smart. but the way this is worded makes me think the person who added it wasn't...
I’ve never broken someone’s bones.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I hate the rain.
I’m paranoid at times.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast. I can.
I have fresh breath in the morning.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis.
I have a twin (or a triplet, or somesuch).
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way that I look.
I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. most likely...
I know how to cornrow.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
Slept with a Suitemate.
I have a hidden talent.
I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I would rather shop than eat.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal. except for the random times when I forget I have it...
I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
I’m a pretty good dancer
I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I love drama.
I have never been in a real relationship before.
I’ve rejected someone before.
I currently have a crush/like someone.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
I bite my nails.
I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
I’m not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest “Friday” movie.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
I have at least 5 away messages saved.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.
I own the “South Park” movie.
I have avoided assignments at work/ school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
When I was a kid I played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum.
I enjoy some country music.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I watch soap operas whenever I can.
I’m obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
I know all the words to Slick Rick’s “Children’s Story”.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend’s ex.
I am happy at this moment.
I am bisexual.
Democrat.
Conservative Republican.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I am proficient on a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I’ve never been in love.
I think water rules.
I am going to college out of state. it's a very good possibility.
I am adopted.
I like sausage.
I am a pyro.
I love the Red Sox.
I have thrown up from crying too much or been real close
I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
I adore bright colors.
I love Dear Abby.
I can’t live without black eyeliner.
I think school is awesome.
I think pigtails serve a purpose.
I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I don’t like multi-textured ice cream
I think John Cusack is adorable.
I f**king hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
I watch Food Network way too much.
I love coaching youth sports.
I can move my tounge in waves, much like a snakes’ slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
I can’t stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
I strongly strongly dislike country and rap music (DEPENDING)

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 14:44:01 GMT

Wow.....what a day..... Life , it changes, for better or worse. For once, better for me, and worse for someone else. I havnn't noticed all of it, but my life keeps getting better at a steady rate..... its quite amazing to know. I just hope it can stay this way for a while. As some people might know, i kinda deserve some good things to happen to me for once hah. But somethings disturb me as always....Stories from my old best friend and his g/f , which is my ex. Me and him are talking again.....and.... lets just say the stories that i hear are not too promising, lets just say im happy my ex didnt like me and i think i know why she didnt like me. This is their 2nd day together, even though this is like the 15th time they have gone out, this is the 2nd day and lets just say what he tells me....is disturbing. Im happy she didnt like me and i think i know the reason hah.....Lets just say that shes been around, and does a little too much of things i dont agree with.....You kinda get what i mean, but lets just say it could be a little better than you think.....but not by much heh..... But o well lets just say my current g/f and me are doing great and im happy things are. Shes a Christian, she cares about alot of things, shes funny, shes Beautiful to me (Others tell me shes not but they can go kill themselves) , and she also agrees with me on many things that are important to me.

I love Jackie, shes amazing. I just hope everything really works out. Ive told people that i would kill myself if i lost her...Of course i was kidding, i could never do that.... But i know if that happened i would feel dead inside. I love her for who she is, not for anything else, and she loves me. Its dead obvious she loves me for who i am, since we all know theres nothing special or Amazing about me. I hope with everything i am that it lasts b/c she is ....perfect. Perfect in soul, in heart, in everything. Sure she has made her mistakes, as we all, but her mistakes are in the past, her life is in its present, and she is who i like for who she is.

Its funny, how life works, think, imagine, hope, you all do that. Now think, think of seeing 2 people. Imagine that you are one of them. Now pretend you hope for everything to work out for you two. Now think that those 2 are perfect and then they are seperated. Now imagine that the person that you thought was perfect, you learned the secrets that they hid from you. Then Imagine that, that person found you the one person you care about more than anything and that you and that person are perfect together.

Jackie is my life now, its funny. I never had anyone that i could think about and not think of their image, not think of their actions. But think of their words and their soul. Think of what actually matters, the truth of WHO they are, not WHAT they are. Thats the problem in this world, among the others, people care about beauty more than life, where as me, i care about someones soul and heart. I dont care if the person is Uglier than anyone you ever saw, to me they are beautiful for who they are. You all go for the models in the world you love, the Anorexic , bulemic, and drug-addicted freaks. I dare you, go get yourself hurt, or soething. You need to find someone that doesnt care about all that stuff. Find someone that you liek for what they say , what thet believe , and WHO they are. Jackie is a caring, kind, person. To me she is the best and i have never seen any better.
Sure she made her mistakes, and all to me have been forgiven, for i dont care, we all make mistakes, you cant hate someone for them. Mistakes show you what to do , and what not to do, they show you what is the true way in life. If God can forgive someone of their past mistakes, why cant we? Made in his image, we all should attempt to forgive and forget. I always try, but like all people, its not easy.

Everyone, I am a person of simple caring. I actually care, unlike your Complex, fake, ways. Though many people dont understand what atual caring is, its looking at a person and not looking for them, but looking for who they are. That may sound dumb to all of you , but i understand it, and maybe youll know someday if you see me. Well im done typing for now lol. Talk to all of you later.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 21:39:55 GMT

Blah!!! Well im not too happy.... Yay another Drama day on Live journal..... Anyone else hate this world as much as i do? This world is soo annoying to me, so confusing as well. Lies, and things among those lines. How much of it shall i recieve? And yet, out of my foolishness i guess i deserve it. Thinking that love is an emotion, actually caring about it. Love now adays is "Ooo i like how cute/beautiful/rich this person is...". I mean ive had enough of what ive been told to know im not "Cute" , im not "Amazing", sorry that im not sionce all of you care soo much. I mean it annoys me, i Still think about someone i loved, you know what i do, Care about people b/c i care about "Them" And not their looks, position , or anything else. Its saddens me to think of all my betrayals, and why must i face them, b/c im not as "Beautiful, or popular" Well im sorry that you must shove me away, with your signs of hated, with the foolishness of such things. The world changes , yet changing still, upon these facts shall we not think about its ever ending changing? Yet no matter what happens to me , shall i recieve my enemy with open arms? Enough of this i shall recieve , this false kindness, this changing truths of their flattering words. I may be foolish for being so kind, or yet so bold to tell it straight. I know it may be arrogence of myself to call it wrong, for we all do things upon which we dont believe in. I shall call myself a fool still, thinking that i may care for someone in this Shallow world. Too many people care for themselves and yet i still care so much for others. I truly care for those whom i consider wonderful in ways you all probably dont notice. I notice the kind-heaarted , for they are the ones who deserve a caring heart. I care for the ones with the kind souls, for they are the ones who deserve mine. I dont care what you are to you , or to others. To me you mean the world, yet the few of you will never know i care. You "dreamers" Dreaming of that one happy day, you wonderful friends and caring people, Yet if i care i shall not say so. Why shall i say in my foolishness that i care, when i know that you all wont care yourselves. Ive had enough people getting upset if i cared about them, getting upset b/c i wanted to be there, why shall i upset your lives? Every moment i am with you, its a moment closer to happiness, yet to you loathing my presence ever still. But for those who tell me to tell those of my adoration, why so, so i can show foolishness? All those who find that i care either deny it and loathe me even more, or pretend the same and show me a fool , saying that you care the same, yet the whole time trying to hurt me? Im sick or caring and not getting cared for, yet i will always care, and you all will always hate it. Im sick of those who plainly hate me being alive, but yet noone will say such, for the benefits of my foolishness allows you to be happy enough. Yet if someone shall say they care, will it be another betrayal? Doubt it not, as always i will remember, and always i shall know. The few i care for as of now, only one shall know i care, the rest would mock me, and hate me for it. The rest wouldnt care, for i know they wouldnt like anyone like me. They like their own people from their own places, truth be told can i be considered a person? People have respect, yet none shall i see.... I am done , for this is only making me feel worse. Yet one phrase echoes in my head "Will anyone ever truely care?", on this i will sit and doubt.

~Jeffy

Tue, 30 May 2006 00:35:03 GMT

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	Tomato Pie	Only the one from Utica New york. Its wicked awesome.
Literary:	I say things sometime that i regret... OOO i say sorry too much!!!	I say sorry Way too much
Audiovisual:	I dunno	No clue
Musical:	I like some romantic songs lol	Im a romanticist....
Celebrity:	I dont have one	I cant respect people who arnt themself.

Now I tag:-

Thu, 18 May 2006 07:23:11 GMT

Well its late again and i cant sleep. I had a bad day to say the least. Sorry to everyone, that im not in the best of moods, and sorry that lately ive been kinda depressed. Im not really feeling to well really and i have so many things on my mind and such, so im sorry if i snap at people or do some crazy things, but right now if you want me to be truthful... I dont even have a reason to be alive. Sorry to everyone , i dont like being sad, or depressed, and i know everyones sick of me period, So im just sorry to make your lives worse and to be a burden. Well im going to go try to get to sleep, but i have so many things on my mind, i dont thnk ill be able to. So let me just say to everyone, that im sorry, im sorry for everything ive done to all of you. I dont mean to do many of the things i do, to you ,or to others. I wish things could go back to the times when days were good. Days like last summer, Days like that, but i doubt anything like that will ever happen. Technically nothing even happend then, just another instance of some person lieing, and pretending. Im actually starting to think that there will never be a time "Truly" like those days. Well im going to try going to sleep now, but i highly doubt that i will. But again, i am sorry, for everything.

Tue, 16 May 2006 10:05:54 GMT

All thoughts and actions permeate from your soul. When your soul is off balance, so is your life.

What a day, what a day. It is 5:27am. Yet what a day it has been so far heh. Otherwise, nothing has happend, just like most of my days by 11:59pm. I hear birds outside, they are singing the morning song, as some would say. I didnt get much sleep last night, or shall i say this morning? 1-2 hours? Eh well thats as much as i need. I dont really use too much energy the days i have school. I talk to people, go home, lay down at 12:00a.m. listen to music and try to sleep. I have nothing more to do, why do i need more sleep.

Well my dad has a surgery like thing today, everything should go alright, I hope it does, Well what am i saying , I KNOW IT will be alright.

Well i wonder how my school day will go? I mean you never know what may happen. Somethings you want in a day wont happen, and somethings you dont want end up happening. Its life, the good , the bad. You cant stop it, you cant stop anything. No matter what you do in life, everything will keep moving. 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 52 weeks a year, as many years in a lifetime. Those times will never stop, nothing can "pause" life.

Well im in quite a confused mood right now. I got some serious things on my mind still. I wish i could find a resolution for them, but hey whats life but a series of choices. At least un-like most people my age i care about my choices and i care about how my life will end up. Most importantly i care about who my life effects and who will effect me. Something most people need to work on, people dont really show you the way, you must choose your own path. People are the guidline to your character and personality though, through this, it will effect your path.

Well anyway, how is everyone? Im doing alright. School winding down , soon it will be over, soon ill have absolutely nothing to do , how fun.... hah. Enough people now hate me in my neighborhood to make it a detriment to go outside. I doubt this summer will be as good as my last one, i wont have that one thing, that one reason, that made last summer great. Now i wont even have anything close to it. It annoys me you know? Just to think about it, life will always change, but for me things always seem to get from bad to worse. I mean i dont want to sound negative, thats just how it seems.

Hmm i wonder if i ask my mom if i can goto Starbucks b4 i goto school, that would be awesome. But i doubt it. but hopefully everyones doing alright, i need to start getting ready for school. Bye everyone.!!!!